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Sunday, April 5th, 2020
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8:28 pm
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| Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012
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10:00 pm - I am become: Peaceful.
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I think i have finally gotten to that place in my life where I'm no longer willing to worry about every little detail. B and I are not overly happy, and I don't believe that he will ever propose to me. Guess what? I think I'm okay with it. There is a part of me that is saddened by it. A part of me is hurt by the way that he doesn't want me sexually, at least not very often. He brought up that he will occasionally just do it to make me happy, and that is difficult for me. I'm fine with casual sex, but I want for both of us to be in the mood when we go for it. The idea of him not wanting it is a major turnoff.
I have done a lot in the past six months. I bought a brand new car, and yesterday my ancient black Macbook died. It was pushing five years, so it was time. I bought a Macbook Pro yesterday, and may be madly in love.
I'm starting to make plans for my future, branching out more and more. I joined a gym, am taking a ton of classes, and rejoined Weight Watchers. I'm making an effort, but for me, no one else.
I want to find someone who will be happy with me. I don't mean "someone who will make me happy" or "someone I can make happy." I mean a partner, someone who is my equal, and is equally driven. Someone who will want to go out and do crazy stuff with me, and then go for coffee with. I don't know if it would need to be anything more than a friendship — I just want someone who is going to get my odd sense of humor and follow up on it.
I want to live well.
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| Saturday, July 16th, 2011
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6:44 pm - Mrrrp.
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Testing my app, because it has been terrible.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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| Sunday, June 12th, 2011
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1:22 am - Moving day!
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I've spent all of today either shopping for work clothes (not as much fun as basic shopping, but I was able to spend some quality time with my mum, so it was cool) or cleaning and packing.
I've just gotten done dyeing my hair, and am going to go crash now. I will rant my feelings out tomorrow night, when I'm able to think again.
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| Friday, June 10th, 2011
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11:14 pm - It has been a while.
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And I have changed. I know it may seem odd, but I have.
So much has happened, and I have missed posting here. I'm not quite sure why I stopped.
I was waitlisted at my second choice school, and rejected by my first choice. I'm still a bit sore over that one.
I'm starting a new job next week, and will be living at my grandmum's (paying rent, not mooching.) I'm nervous beyond belief.
I'm back with B, and have been for a while. He was my first. It was good :).
I read my older posts, and I'm a bit shocked at how vapid I seem, and how weight obsessed I was. I'm still a bit obsessed, but I'm doing Weight Watchers and working on it.
I am going to post daily again. It was nice, being able to get everything off my chest. To be open, to experience that release. I have a beauty/fashion blog now, and I'm constantly self-editing, being positive. I will be forcing the positivity at work and with my grandmum as well, and I just need this place as my one area to be real. A place to say that yes, it is shitty, and I'm miserable and upset and angry, and not have anyone reacting. I don't want B to have to deal with my emotional ravings, and my family doesn't give a flying fig.
I want to work my way up the ranks at work, so I really need to work to maintain my positivity while there. I want to be the perkiest, most energetic and dedicated employee that they have ever seen. It won't be easy, but I hope that it will be worth it.
I am having a hard time bouncing back from my failing. I wanted so badly to get into my first choice, and having failed to achieve that, I feel both hopeless and worthless. I know it is illogical, but having the vision of getting out made my life so much more bearable.
I'm moving in with B this fall, and I'm unsure as to how it will work out. I love him, but I always dreamed of being successful and free. This state university is never what I wanted. I wanted to get out.
I guess I miss my younger self. I wish that I could go back to being fifteen again, and remake the choices that I made in the past. I would push my parents to public school me. I would work harder. I would be better.
I wish I didn't feel like my life is over. I'm 19, and I feel both ancient and worn, finished.
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2011
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12:28 am
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I dislike drama, but at this point in my life, I seem to attract it.
The boy has started talking rings/prenup, and I am a bit annoyed. See, I am not a super romantic person, but if I am going to get married, I want a proposal. I don’t need a huge, elaborate proposal, but a late night walk on the beach and him on one knee would have been ideal. Just a little something that would get my heart racing a tiny bit, you know? And I know it sounds bad, but the prenup thing annoys me as well. Neither one of us has any money, and we had previously discussed maintaining separate accounts and cars, and then splitting the house sale price when it was all over. I have no interest in his money, and when I am done with something I walk away from it. I guess I am offended by how little he knows me.
I am really terrible with regards to money. To me, it is just a tool, so I don’t use it as a weapon. I think speeding tickets are fairly well pointless, because all they are doing is taking away a few meals or small items. It isn’t like they are robbing me of something deeply meaningful. If I am leaving a relationship, all I want to do is get out. I don’t want their money, I just want freedom. I am also fiercly independent, and have had people try to buy me off before. I have told him of my issues with that, and the idea that he thinks I would go after his money is just shockingly offensive.
And he doesn’t always orgasm or stay hard during sex, and I think it is me. He is super, super overly supportive of my losing weight. I know that I am pudgy, but I am not overweight. I am working on my fitness, but I do multiple hours of ballet and go to the gym at least three times a week, along with walking almost everywhere. I dress well, purchase quality lingerie, and am never without makeup and decent looking skin. I try really hard, and feel ugly.
I guess my feelings of frustration are a sort of combination of the two issues, and my constant feelings of inadequacy. I am never enough.
Plus, I have to perfect an essay begging to get into a school I was waitlisted for, and prepare for week two of intense midterms, one of which with my awkwardly bipolar instructor. I take two classes from him, forty minutes apart. In the first class, he loves me. In the second class, he ignores me. They are both psych courses, and I am well prepared for both. In fact, since he seems so sincerely displeased with me, I have really worked far harder on the work for the second class. Still no changes.
In extension of the craptitude, I missed three ballet classes, and they started teaching the final dance while I was gone. I was bumped up a level for the final, and when I finally returned they expected me to know it perfectly. I looked like a completelt inept fatass. Long story short, It has been a crappy week, and I am tired.
I still haven’t heard back from my first choice school, and it doesn’t look good, because I was waitlisted for my second choice. I really need and want to go to my first choice, it is my dream. I am so nervous.
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| Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
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7:46 pm - I am become: done with attention whores
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K2. I cut off the texting, and he has decided to pull the suicidal card. I fucking hate that. I know it is all a desperate ploy, but my god. Really? I hate when people pull that crap.
In other awesomeness…
I like ballet. A lot. I’m nervous about it, but I like it.
I have been lethargic all day, and I’m never going to do the stupid carb binge again. It was wretched.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and I’m a tad nervous.
I’m just tired. And bored. And ready for life to be exciting.
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| Tuesday, January 25th, 2011
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7:44 pm - I am become: Cold and unable to help anyone.
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At least according to K2. He wants to fuck me, and I’m not interested. And yes, he actually said as much, so this isn’t my thinking I’m the hottest creature known to man. I generally find people like that obnoxious. I want someone who actually sees me, not someone who looks at the surface and assumes I’m stone cold (which I am, but I’m more than that.)
I joined Weight Watchers, and I have lost a little bit of weight this week, although it is probably only water. The real test will be next week’s weigh-in.
Ballet has been good, although I need to be practicing more. My turnout can definitely improve, and I want to be good at this.
B is more devastated by the breakup than I am, and I am standing strong. It would be easy to go back, and I miss him. I know that he needs someone who will always be home, always available, and I don’t want someone who will follow me everywhere. I want a partner by my side.
My phone is trying to die, and I’m a bit frustrated by it. I want the new iPhone, but I’m afraid it will be obsolete in June when the next phone is dropped. I don’t know.
I’m working on my French, and I think that I am improving, although I’m still a bit worried about the SAT’s and whether or not I will be accepted. I have to be. I need to be.
I think that my classes are going pretty well this term. I am actually enjoying geology, and I think that I totally rocked my great books class. They tried to say that women can’t be good soldiers because they are afraid to pull the trigger, and I just stared. Trust me, if it was for the good of my country and I was under orders, I could pull the trigger. My being a woman doesn’t play into that. I sort of tore apart their arguments. It was awesome, but I think that I’m a novelty in the group — the only chick, and I’m in there wearing stilettos and lipstick and yet am majoring in a “gruesome” subject. I don’t care anymore. I’m doing what I want to do, and they will learn to deal.
S got online today, and she seemed oddly interested in my recent gym habits — how often I’m going, how much I weigh, etc. I hate it when she does that, because it never seems supportive, only nosy. I always end up saying that I worked out less than I actually did, just so that she can sleep at night.
I’m just ready to move out. To start my real life, instead of being stuck here. I love my family, but being here is suffocating.
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| Tuesday, January 18th, 2011
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7:42 pm - I am become: Dumped.
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He called me, left me, wants me back.
I can’t take the SAT’s because I wasn’t able to sign up for the date.
I am starting WW tomorrow.
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| Saturday, January 15th, 2011
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7:42 pm
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Today was good. Junk food, finished homework, and a long walk in the rain.
Tomorrow will be filled with endless hours of homework and French study.
B and I… I don’t know.
K2? I really, really don’t know, but he is almost too far on the crazy side for me to want to get too close. Not a fun crazy, like me, but actually a potentially-harmful crazy. That just isn’t a good thing. I love my country, and I love people. He seems to be lacking that.
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| Friday, January 14th, 2011
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7:41 pm - I am become: Okay with being the island of misfit toys.
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I have been thinking lately. I know that is probably astounding to some, but yes. Just kind of… contemplative. I think that right now, my job is to help people, and take care of myself as well.
I was the only person to get the full 20 points on an assignment today. I was pretty surprised. The class average was ten. I’m not smart, I just think that they didn’t read the instructions. I could be wrong though.
We took a lab test in geology, and I hate when I get done with a test ten minutes before everyone else, and it is a fifteen minute test. Especially if it has any sort of math component. I am a tad bit worried, not gonna lie.
I hung out with K2 today, and he is a strange one. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I’m not quite sure where to place him. Sometimes I think he is completely and utterly mad, and not in a good way, and then I see a sort of lost aspect to him, almost like myself. I am still maintaining honesty, and I will not lead him on. I do want to help him though. I want to branch out more, take more responsibility for people around me, and help them. We need each other, we need to reach out. If I am constantly lonely, so are other people. We can fix this.
I am really loving ballet, and instead of joining the dance class, I think I am going to try to save the money, and if I have any left over at the start of next term I will pay for lessons at a local studio.
Today I made some pretty poor food choices, but I am not going to worry too much about them. Tomorrow will be much better, and I will not freak myself out over it. I’m also not weighing myself until next Wednesday.
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| Thursday, January 13th, 2011
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7:40 pm - I am become: Thinner, or so they say.
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Yesterday was pretty good. I got complimented on my form, twice, in ballet. I am going to put a solid effort into becoming better and better, and hopefully I will be able to dance en pointe soon.
Today we met for great books, and I found out that one of the people who I thought was super smart didn’t get into the school he wanted to. It kind of freaks me out. I’m so afraid that I will fail this. I have to get in.
I went shopping while waiting to meet with B. I found a bunch of workout clothes for super cheap! I am so happy. So, so happy.
I met with B, it was good.
I didn’t binge today! I actually ate pretty healthily. And B said that I look thinner. I’m so glad.
And I am going to go to a spin class tomorrow too, so that way I will continue to get slimmer. I just want to look good, feel attractive. I can’t wait.
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| Wednesday, January 12th, 2011
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7:38 pm - I am become: Ready to start my life.
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I know that a lot of time I probably seem down, and/or fairly reckless with my body, but I’m not really. I tend to only post during the rare moments that I have free time, and during that, I am usually exhausted and lonely, which leads to my posts seeming whiny and sad.
I’m fairly happy. The body hatred… yeah. I mean, I generally feel fairly fat, and I don’t enjoy it. I ate today though, a fairly large amount of food. I was hungry.
I take pretty good care of myself. I mean, I’m a college student. I’m probably not going to be treating my body like it is some sort of gloriously fantastic prize, but I’m trying to be better about it.
It was weird. My mum today was like… worried about me. And my health. And it was weird, because I have had a touch of a cold for a few days, but I didn’t think that she had noticed, because she never does. But today, she was all concerned. It was strange, but nice in a way.
I think it is because I look like I have lost some weight. I don’t think that I have, but my face looks a bit slimmer, and I think that has made me look more delicate. I’m going to start going to the gym on a more consistent basis though. It is the one thing that I actually enjoy doing, feeling like I am becoming more fit and toned.
I’m actually contemplating joining a dance group at my local gym. I really love ballet, although I kind of fail at it, and I want to dance more. I also think that I would be able to create a better network of friends as well.
K2 has some weird sort of issue about my not having a bunch of friends on facebook. Right now, I have about 30. I do this by choice, because I would rather have legitimate conversations on facebook with people I know than have 1,000 friends, and no few real conversations. I mean, really, those of you who have hundreds of friends — how many do you actually talk to on a regular basis? I mean, texting, skype, im, anything. I can make friends, I just don’t share a whole ton of information. (And this is why I have an anonymous blog where I basically vent everything about my life. I really can keep a secret, and when I have a legitimate career, I am sure that I will end this blog. For now, I am not risking anything, and it is kind of nice to just be able to vent everything, and only have to worry about being judged by random people on the internet.)
Off to ballet… hopefully it will go well. It was pretty crappy last time.
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7:36 pm - I am become: The island of misfit toys.
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K2 apparently is attracted to me, and was attracted to me from the first meeting. He couldn’t tell me this without first telling me that I am “stone cold” “hostile” and “angry,” or at least that is what I come off as.
Awesome. But I was completely honest with him. I told him, straight up, that I am still in this weird thing with B, and I am not going to date anyone up until I am certain it is all over. I’m actually fairly proud of myself. I haven’t told him anything about myself, and I haven’t said anything that was designed to make me seem like a better person than I am.
That being said, I don’t know how this will work out. I mean, he thinks I am smarter than I am, and that scares me a bit. I haven’t said or done anything to make him believe that I am, but I am pretty stupid. I just don’t want to tell him that.
D is still messaging, and he said that he wishes that he had gone further with me. Frankly, I’m glad it didn’t. He and I don’t have enough in common.
What I am beginning to realize as I meet these people is that I must come off as a safe haven for people who feel like they don’t fit into what society wants.
K2 feels that he doesn’t fit, that he is so different, and that people think he is weird. I feel the same way. I’m just different enough to be entertaining, but too different to be lovable, or loved without restrictions or being told I’m a stone-cold bitch.
D is just socially awkward and feels ugly. Been there, still doing that.
B is just generally messed up, and I have a passion that makes up for his lack thereof.
These people must like me because they can see aspects of themselves in me, and they know that I won’t judge them. I also think that they must realize that the coldness that keeps everyone at arms length also means that I won’t betray their confidences, and they can trust me.
It kind of bothers me, but at least K2 came straight out and said that he is interested in me because I might be useful. I want to help people, but I want someone to love me for who I am, or just want to fuck me for who I am, instead of acting interested but not truly caring or understanding who I am.
I have this infinite capacity to love, and I love almost everyone. I just need someone who is equally driven, equally passionate, to come up along side of me and be my equal. I don’t want someone who is just admiring of me. If I wanted that, I would go into acting.
In other news, I went to the great books class pre-meeting, and found out that I should start exercising. It was great, because one of my male classmates told me this, and I instantly felt fat. And I failed the whole fasting thing, in case you were curious. Probably not enough liquids/too much stress. I will just take a couple of diet pills tomorrow to help things along.
Also, I suck at ballet, and my psych instructor probably can’t stand me.
All in a days work, no?
It is after 2 am, and I must be awake in less than five hours to perkily get ready for school. I’m sure the dating for my posts is fucked up, but in case anyone is curious, today’s post is for Tuesday. I don’t count it to be a separate day unless I have gone to bed already.
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| Monday, January 10th, 2011
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7:34 pm - I am become: A basic bitch
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I didn’t realize how long it has been since I last posted. I’ve made it a personal goal to post on a regular basis this year, and it looks like I have chewed up 4 of the 10 days that I have allowed myself to skip.
B and I talked. As always, he managed to make me feel like crap, but like I was being mean to him and oversensitive about it. I don’t know where this will end, but I’m hoping that I can get into a school on the east coast, because it will then become a moot point.
M1&M broke up. I can’t say that I am surprised, because this has been coming for so long. I feel sad for her though, because she thought he was the love of her life. I knew better. I had called it, too. I told S that they would be broken up within a year, and they were.
See, he and I are very alike. M1 really wanted to love M. He really did. I am the same with B. It is like… you are loved by this fantastic, nice person who everyone loves. Someone who has this incredibly sweet soul, is super thoughtful, although easily wounded. You almost feel obligated, because while I am a cold person, I am not heartless. I know that he tried, but he kind of fucked this one up.
He brought up the mistake, and I hate that. Would you want the worst thing you’ve ever done, the one thing you regret the most thrown in your face every time you fought with someone? It makes life absolutely miserable.
My geology instructor is the most fantastically awesome person every. We did a project with chocolate today, he went and made me a copy of the lab manual I forgot, and is just a generally fantastic person. Yeah. The height of great teachers.
I am a tad bit nervous about my SAT test. I am planning on taking it in early February, and I am mad terrified.
I saw D on campus the other day. He looks all grown up now! He has filled out and his skin has cleared up and he looks almost attractive.
K2 (male) has been talking about hanging out after class, and I really want to. I think that we could learn a lot from each other and just hang out. I have to say that I am rather worried about doing so, because I am afraid that B would see us and flip out all over him. And the funny thing is this: I’m not attracted to K2, and I am fairly certain he is gay, if not bi. Either way, not sure how that is going to work out.
My mum made me change gyms. I’m not exactly thrilled, considering that the new one is pretty crappy. Either way, I’m stuck. At least I get to work out though.
I’m getting ready to head into ballet, and then I have a meeting for the great books course. We shall see as to how this will work out, because B will choose all the books and generally lick the instructors ass, and I will be forced to sit there and act like I am not completely and utterly repulsed, which I will be.
He is somewhat pissed because I had to cancel our donut outing. It really wasn’t my choice, my mum got incredibly paranoid over the idea of my driving at night in cold weather. I was absolutely pissed.
He says that he doesn’t trust me, that I am not driven enough, and then he told me that I’m okay, because he likes “curvy” girls. Curvy in my culture means fat. I’m fasting today, and hopefully tomorrow as well, although I had to have one peanut M&M for a geology experiment today, and I will probably have a nf/sf/ vanilla latte later because we are meeting at a coffee shop for the great books discussion.
I think that it will be easier for me to liquid only fast than it would be to stick to a water-only fast. I’m exercising more than usual, and really working fairly hard mentally too. I’m exhausted by the end of the day, even when I binge, so I really should try to just stick to coffee, and that should keep me going.
I’m so afraid that I will fail.
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| Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
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7:32 pm - I am become: Sleeping.
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Today has been pretty good, although very, very long. I’m quite exhausted.
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| Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
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7:31 pm - I am become: Hurt and Stupid.
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B is an asshole. He told me that no one likes me. I cut. I never cut. I had to go shopping for ballet shit. I looked like a moron.
I fail at life.
I got cute ballet stuff. I will look like a whale in cute clothing.
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| Monday, January 3rd, 2011
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7:29 pm - I am become: Tired of winter term, on the very first day.
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Today was the first day of winter term. Awesome, because I got into a psych class that is taught by the most fantastic instructor ever. Not so awesome because I accidentally left the lights on in the car, and the battery died.
And I had to call my mother, who is still pissed with me, to come and jump start my car.
Because apparently, I have no friends, and am not willing to tell those that I do have that I need help.
Other than that, I emailed my instructor for the online class that I am waitlisted in, and he basically told me that I am in, as long as I do the work this week and seem to put a conscious effort in to the work.
My geology instructor cannot spell to save his life. It is rather entertaining, but he seems incredibly nice and I’m kind of looking forward to the class, although I am somewhat doubtful as to how much I will use what I learn in this class.
Right now, I am at one of the offshoots of the college, it is about fifteen minutes away from the main campus, and it is where I am taking ballet. I will probably be spending a decent amount of time here, because my last class gets out by noon, and then I have the break until 3:30. I don’t really mind it though, it is quiet and comfortable enough, although people keep looking at me. I’m not quite sure why, because I am dressed in a fairly average way, although the heels are probably a bit more than they are used to.
I cancelled my meeting with B. I just didn’t have the energy for him. I know that he would probably want to do dinner or something, and I would really rather just leave ballet, go straight to the gym, and then come home, finish off my online classwork for this week, and then chill.
I hate going out for coffee though. I went to this one independent coffee shop a couple blocks from campus, and ordered a nonfat/sugar free vanilla latte. It was so fucking good, you have no idea. But it was so good that I almost wondered if it wasn’t sugar free and fat free. On the one hand, there was no whip. That makes me think that it was nonfat. But then it tasted so good that it had to have fat in it. Either way, I will probably continue going there, just because it tasted like perfection. I wanted to marry the barista.
I bought my books, and I think I will be getting close to a grand back from loans this year. I am really happy about this, because I will be able to buy shocks for my car, and maybe put a little bit in savings.
I have done pretty well diet wise, and I feel really good about it. I have had a few cravings, but nothing that has been enough for me to say “screw it” and pig out. I hope that I don’t end up pigging out, because I really want to be slimmer.
I am contemplating going to Maine to spend spring break with K, and I don’t want to look like an overwhelmingly beached whale. I want to feel fantastic.
I know it is only three, and my day may change, but overall, I feel positive. Not a good day, but not a bad day. I’m okay with that.
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| Sunday, January 2nd, 2011
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12:33 am - when i think
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Today has been good. K left for Unity, and I am so happy for her. S and her boyfriend M invited me to go along with them, and we did some shopping before we met K at the airport to say goodbye.
It was strange today. S goes between seeming somewhat bitchy and basically nice. I can never tell.
Here is the part where I bitch about my life and my family.
I was supposed to be able to go to the gym today, but my mum asked me to wait until later so that she and the rest of the family could use the car that heats up faster to get to and from church. I was like, that is fine, whatever.
S called around noon, and I decided to go with her. We got home around seven, and I wanted to go to the gym. My mum promptly flipped out, and ran through several lies and finally landed on “it is in a bad part of town, and I don’t want you going there at night.”
Needless to say, I ran five miles. In the very shady neighborhoods where I live. Seriously… she would rather I run in the dark than be in my secure gym? I don’t understand.
I would really appreciate some trust. I have never so much as scraped either of the cars, never so much as a warning, and I don’t see why she is so paranoid about my driving.
Also. Painted my nails tonight. I want to wear all of my colors at least once, so today’s color is: Art of Theft. I like it.
Tomorrow is the first day of classes this new term. I’m nervous.
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| Saturday, January 1st, 2011
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1:48 am - i've never done
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This year, I am going to put a solid effort into posting every day. I generally feel a bit more peaceful when I get it out, and I like the idea of watching myself grow and change throughout the year. I’m a bit doubtful that I will make it through perfectly, although it would be completely and utterly fuckawesome.
It is going to be an intense three months. I have to learn to speak/read/write in French by March 1, and pass the SATs perfectly by mid February. I am going to be on a strict 1,200 calorie diet, working out at the gym a minimum of 4 times a week, plus ballet twice a week.
I am going to be getting up at 7am every weekday, and 9am on the weekends. I will wear a sunscreen every time I go out, and use tretinoin every other night. I want to look good, and feel good every day.
I want to start doing more volunteer work, give more back to society. Right now, I don’t have enough money to really make any donations, so my time is all I have to give.
I basically want to be a person who helps people, someone who is at peace and spreads the peace to everyone else. I want to be someone that is respectable, and not annoying. I want to be a good person, and I am a pretty crappy one right now.
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